Sexuality, Sexual Wellness, and You

The good part about sexuality is that we are the ones that get to decide our sexual thoughts, attractions, feelings and behaviors toward others.

We have the freedom to choose.

The current and long-standing challenge is that not all of society takes part in this freedom of self expression. Much of this is due to others having a difficult time accepting those who are different from themselves.

The decision to act on everything that aligns with your own sexuality can be a lot of work. An added obstacle is having to manage the views of others on your decision.

But you shouldn't have to.

Coming to terms and embracing your own sexuality should feel liberating and positive. It’s about what is right for you, rather than what is right for another individual or what they see it as. It’s a crucial part of who we are as humans. This is everything from emotional, sexual, social and physical well-being.

Historically, we see shaming and a discordance among old and new messaging. In part, some feel that it can only be a certain way and only a certain type of sexuality.

It’s like there’s this script pre-written for us to follow. How unoriginal and poorly represented.

No wonder it feels so uncomfortable to express your sexuality; it may not have been true to you in the first place.

A compressed definition of sex was created and we are told to believe it and follow it. But if we look at all of life, the rest doesn’t work that way. From person to person, we are certainly not the same in other aspects of our lives.

So why are we being persuaded to express sexuality through just one lens?

People think that they are broken, but instead it is many of our systems creating chaos and confusion.

If you can think back that far, when was the first time you heard or learned about sex? What were you told it meant and how did it make you feel?

What would be one thing you wish you knew back then that would help you feel safer in your body, with a potential partner or in the outside world now. 

Here are a few challenges to consider with past and current sex education:

• Sex education is very minimal in the curriculum.
• Sex education was not taught in a supportive, accessible way.
• There is not enough powerful questioning and thought provoking learning material from educators. Where is the safe space to help students think about what it means to them?
• There isn’t enough room for student’s to ask questions and develop a deeper understanding, due to the way they teach and present the information.
• There isn’t enough opportunity for discussion.
• A lot of people search online and find misinformation, which creates shame due to seeing how others express themselves.
• It can make us question anything from our physical abilities to our body image.
• It is confusing for young people who feel a lack of support for how they identify themselves. In turn, they seek out any understanding of its meaning, even if it doesn’t align with their truth.
• The idea of discussing sexuality can bring on feelings of unsafety, which is where mental health concerns begin to surface.
• It can cause stress and feelings of isolation, as if we are the problem and feeling like we don’t have an option to do anything about it.

Sexuality and mental health are interconnected.

Take an emotion for instance. We may ask ourselves, ‘where are my feelings coming from? What thoughts and beliefs are creating these emotions?’

These questions go far beyond mental health. We may want to ask ourselves this in all areas of life. Sexuality is no different.

Society and other outside influences impact our expression. Whether it’s sexuality or another part of life, many individuals believe that things will always be a certain way. Therefore, they learn to deal with the labels and misconceptions, whether it be our relationship with the self, others, or the way we perceive our bodies.

We think sex is changeless and therefore we have to fit it rather than it fitting us.

This creates a tough relationship with the self–the most important relationship we will ever have. An internal dialogue is created then. ‘I don’t know what to do. If I admit x, y or z, I will be rejected, feel ashamed, they will think less of me and I won’t be accepted.’ Can you feel the anxiety building from this? I can.

As we learn more about certain topics, sex education should also be a continuous learning space throughout our lifetime. Sexuality affects so many parts of ourselves. So let's learn more and learn better, in order to create our own, healthy beliefs.

Here is support in order to heal, move forward and reconnect with your true sexuality:

• One way is to have uncomfortable, but necessary conversations with loved ones so together, you can improve on the relationship, which in turn improves the relationship with yourself.
• Begin with, “I feel” statements. By communicating this way, you are minimizing defensiveness from the start.
• Guided meditation and somatic healing to help reconnect your mind and body. 
• There are many great books like Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. Additional helpful books can be found if you click here.
• There are resources like The Trevor Project, which launched a 24/7 crisis service for LGBTQ Youth in Mexico. Click here for additional links and resources.
• Lastly, I am a huge fan of Ester Perel's work. Her various resources provide information to help find aliveness and vitality in your relationship.

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Macy Cassera is a life coach and freelance writer who helps others rebuild after loss and change so they can create a fulfilling and authentic life full of purpose. To get in touch with Macy, please send her an email or send a message through her official website or Instagram.